Hearing Aid

I sat in Starbucks for a meeting recently. I love the smell of coffee. Coffee shops usually have plenty of places to sit, and yet there is no expectation of true privacy.
I was sitting across from a guy who was testing the boundaries. My boundaries.
And then, there it was: the offer.

Neatly wrapped in packaging that looked like "isn't this pretty, it's all for you" while buried tightly inside was the real bomb "this is my agenda and I am going to get you to give me what I want."
I have learned to detect these offers.

It was an offer to take something of mine.

I politely explained that it belonged to me, that it wasn't something I could get rid of and that his idea of me just giving it to him wasn't something I wanted to do.

So, he began to tell me how giving it to him would benefit me (which actually wasn't true, but those soft sell words can be so lovely to hear). And he went into great detail. I listened. But in the end I simply said "That's just not going to work."

He shifted slightly in his chair and tried again from a different angle. He stated that everyone would benefit if I would give it up, let him have it. That I would be contributing to the universe. That, in the words of Rick Warren, "it's not about me". And I should recognize the bigger picture.
To which I replied, "That's not going to work."

He leaned in, smiled and lowered his voice and restated his idea. Perfect eye contact. Open body language. The lure of sweet words indicating that he would be willing to take it today or tomorrow, whichever would work best for me. He was, after all, looking out for what was in my best interest, he said.

He was about mid way through his next sentence on action steps toward the greater good of mankind when I suddenly leaned forward and exclaimed excitedly, "Oh, I have something for you." He paused at my interruption.

I cheerfully reached down into my bag and pulled out...
... a Q-tip.

I gracefully handed it to him across the table.

He looked at the Q-tip. He looked at me. He looked puzzled.

"You seem to be having trouble hearing me," I said, "This might help."

There was a slight pause before he begrudgingly placed the Q-tip down on the table and muttered something under his breath. I mustered up my best Buddy-the-Elf impression and quietly said, "I like to whisper too!"

The grin on my face must have reflected my newly acquired sassy, empowered feeling. This was someone I had cowered to in the past. We were in new territory.
I exhaled. I smiled.

And he now has the proper tool to use when he can't believe his ears.

Letting Go

I slowly let go of a white, hellium balloon. It floated up into the air and would eventually be out of sight. I knew I'd never see it again.
I remember, just after releasing it, wanting to reach up and grab it...I did not want to let it go just yet. I hadn't had enough time with it. But it was too late...gone.
It was the day of my grandmother's funeral.

My dog just turned one year old. He has big teeth and when he grabs on to his ball or chew toy or a sock there is no getting that thing out of his mouth. He holds on for dear-life.
"Drop, Marley" is a constant saying in our house.

Why is it so hard to let go?

People don't want to do it. Dogs don't want to do it. Kids certainly don't want to do it.

Is it because we feel territorial and possessive?
Does it have to do with change?
Is it because we believe that if our little brother gets it then it won't come back the same?
Does letting go mean we may never be the same?

My daughter has said that she can't remember what her great grandmother looked like. The memory is fading.
Is letting go the acknowledgement that soon a person can be gone even from our memory? Even the good stuff...gone?

In this economy some of us are letting go of a certain lifestyle. Our springbreak family vacation to Disney World has been replaced with a trip to the local bowling alley and boardgames at home. Jewelry on Valentines Day is now a stroll along the river at sunset. Gym memberships have been exchanged with a pair of tennis shoes, a leash and the dog.

Letting go is hard.
And yet it can also be freeing.
A friend of mine just lost 70 lbs. She looks amazing. She let go of the weight, along with some other issues she had been hanging on to. Her soul is lighter.

I think I'll join a catch and release program...sit on a boat, wait, catch a fish, then release it back into the water. Over and over.
Perhaps this will build up strength.
Maybe.
And maybe I'll become a little more willing to let go of certain things in my life.
But I'll always wish I had more time with my grandmother!

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My Boy!

I love my son! He is awesome!
And some day I hope to know as much about computers as he does.
<3

Integrity...but I WANT it!!

Have you ever wanted something so bad it hurt?

Walking through the snow yesterday I was suddenly hit by the desire to have something that didn't belong to me. I kept walking.

And I kept wanting.

By the time I reached my destination I had come up with several ways to go about getting what I wanted. I couldn't stop thinking about it. I knew how I could take it and not get caught.

I was raised to believe that if you want something you work to earn it. I have not stolen candy from a candy store. I haven't eaten a meal at a restaurant and left without paying. It's a code I've lived by and it's worked for me.
It has been a while since I've wanted something so desperately, or this intensely.

Sometimes I want to eat the entire chocolate cake. Sometimes I want to go shopping instead of going to the gym. Or buy THOSE shoes even though it would cost me two paychecks. But when push comes to shove and I don't get those things it's really no big deal. I just move on about my day.

In addition, I have been deeply hurt by a person who took something of mine recently, something dear, that is now destroyed and so it will never be returned.

So how is it that I find myself yearning for something that is not mine, that belongs to someone else? Why do I feel that I am somehow entitled to take it simply because I want it?

My brain wouldn't shut off. I felt like I'd go crazy if I didn't get it.

When I thought about the "advice" my friends would give me I had the response of a 5 year old..."but I WANT it!" "It's not fair, I should have that!" "I want it NOW!"

And then the bargaining set in..."If I can have this one I will never ask for anything else again!" "Please God, just this once." "Let me have this one and I'll feed the homeless on Thanksgiving for the rest of my life."

Maybe, I reasoned, it could also be good for someone else.

What if what I wanted would benefit someone? Would it make wanting it more noble? What about the father who loses his job and can't pay for the medicine for his sick child? Does taking the medicine without paying for it make it less honorable?

Yet what I wanted, I had to admit, would only benefit me. It would complete some sense of deep longing within me and satisfy a hunger I suddenly realized I had.

If I want something for my own pleasure, my own satisfaction does that then diminish the "want" to selfishness and lessen the need-quotient so I am less deserving of it?
I needed some time to think about this.

I just asked my son to define integrity. He replied that it is when you choose to do something because it's the right thing to do. He's 9. Life is still simple. I said, "but what if you really want something? And no one would see you take it. Would you?"
And he asked, "Do I NEED it?"

So I ask myself, this thing I want so badly, Do I Need It? To survive?

No, I suppose not, not to survive.

As time passed I started to notice myself sliding over to the other side of the fence. Who am I to feel entitled to something that doesn't belong to me? Was I really willing to take it? It might feel good for a short time, but the weight of doing that would be more than I wanted to carry in the long run. I would rather live with integrity. If I took it, no one would know.
But I would. And eventually the owner would. And God would.

I have been wanting to become a person of excellence. (It would be easier if people of excellence wouldn't be tempted so much!). People of excellence don't park in handicapped spots even if they are just going to "run in" and they don't call in sick when they are not and they don't tell their children to "just tell them I'm not home" when they don't want to talk on the phone. People of excellence live with integrity. They keep their commitments and do the right thing whether anyone is watching or not.

Everyday our integrity is tested.

If you lie about the little things before long you'll lie about the bigger things.

Just look at the corporate execs who are falling from grace, having stolen millions of dollars. Most likely, they compromised something smaller earlier and when the opportunity presented itself, they compromised millions. Theft is theft. And you usually start out small.

The bible says if we are faithful with the little things God will entrust us with more.

When you go the extra mile, keep your word, tell the truth, dedicate yourself to doing your best, you go past living a mediocre life. You become a target for blessing. God blesses excellence. Integrity is good karma.

If you want to be average, do as little as possible. If you want to excel, live with integrity.

No, it's not easy. That's why many will opt to take what they want because they want it, no matter who it belongs to and who it will hurt.

When you are self-driven, you feel quenched by what you take.

I realized, as thirsty as I was, I would not take it. I would chose to go without.

And the farther I got from the thought of what I was wanting, the better I began to feel about myself. The longing began to slowly dissipate and I replaced that wanting-feeling with gratitude, thanking God for what I already had.

When I think about it, it would still be nice to have it, but I don't want it with the intensity of yesterday. I won't die without it.
I hope the owner appreciates it's value half as much as I believe I would. But regardless, it will stay where it is.

And I'll go to the gym!

These shoes were made for walking!

I remember the shoes I was wearing the day my friend came into my office and said, with an excited smile on her face, "I've been offered a new job. I'm leaving."

They were black patent leather pumps I'd paid entirely too much for. But my friend had told me they looked fabulous and I hadn't stood that tall in years. She was smart, funny and brought a lightness to an otherwise overwhelming and competitive work environment.

"Are you kidding?" I grumbly replied, dismay written all over my face.
I couldn't quite muster the congrats she was hoping for.

We worked for a law firm in LA. She had just been offered a job with in-house counsel at Princess Cruises. "I won't be that far away, just two buildings over." Given that my office was on the 40th floor and hers was on the 41st, I had discovered that any information that had to be shared immediately took entirely too long to communicate in person, given the inability of the elevators to ever be available when I needed them. This was one floor. Now we're talking down the block.

I suddenly felt abandoned. Who would I laugh with when a new associate blundered his way through an assignment? Who would guide me through shoe racks to find the perfect pair? I decided to take the afternoon off and go sit at the Bodhi Tree and sip tea. Life always slowed down at the new age bookstore on Melrose and I wanted to digest this ache in my stomach...


God has been tapping me on the shoulder lately.
Sometimes he has to use a frying pan, but for now he is tapping.
I think what He is saying is,

"Your destiny is not tied to the people who walk away from you."

I pause, wishing Melrose was not so far from Bend.

The plain truth: people leave.
Sometimes it has nothing to do with you. Sometimes it does.

All of us will have people that step out of our lives. They may not be bad people. We may like them. Or love them. We may not understand why...but their purpose in our life, the purpose of the relationship is over.

And when that person steps away, whether it's a friend, co-worker, spouse or business partner, you can choose to hang on or to let go.

I am learning that it is harder, but better, to let go.

Because when someone decides to move on, there is no amount of glue that is going to hold him to you.

I often think, "But I need that person in my life." "I depend on that person." "I don't want this to become different."

There is the chance that gracefully letting that person move in a different direction will actually enhance the relationship, but it will change nonetheless.

And when you give someone permission to walk their own journey, rather than trying to keep them in yours, you give yourself permission to walk away from others on your journey. For whatever reason. At any time.


...as I sipped my tea at the Bodhi Tree that day, I understood my choice. I could sit there, in my designer shoes, wishing it to be different or I could open the window and see how much sunshine would come in.

Family or friends or co-workers who lack similar values, are abusive or hold you back from your dreams, may be the person who pushes you into the opportunity to take a step through a new door to get closer to your potential. It's been said that what you tolerate you will never change. If you accept mediocrity, that's what you will get. I don't want to be mediocre. I want to be excellent.

As it turns out, after she left the law firm I actually saw her more often. It was no longer a co-worker relationship but a friendship. And shortly after that, I had the opportunity to step away from my friends and co-workers to fulfill my dream of attending graduate school 3,000 miles away. One of the best decisions I ever made. And some of the hardest people to walk away from.
I suddenly don't feel the tapping.
Maybe I've understood a part of the lesson: when you choose to step away or let go, and let a relationship change, you will be stepping closer to your destiny.
And hopefully, when that happens you'll be wearing a fabulous pair of shoes!