Integrity...but I WANT it!!

Have you ever wanted something so bad it hurt?

Walking through the snow yesterday I was suddenly hit by the desire to have something that didn't belong to me. I kept walking.

And I kept wanting.

By the time I reached my destination I had come up with several ways to go about getting what I wanted. I couldn't stop thinking about it. I knew how I could take it and not get caught.

I was raised to believe that if you want something you work to earn it. I have not stolen candy from a candy store. I haven't eaten a meal at a restaurant and left without paying. It's a code I've lived by and it's worked for me.
It has been a while since I've wanted something so desperately, or this intensely.

Sometimes I want to eat the entire chocolate cake. Sometimes I want to go shopping instead of going to the gym. Or buy THOSE shoes even though it would cost me two paychecks. But when push comes to shove and I don't get those things it's really no big deal. I just move on about my day.

In addition, I have been deeply hurt by a person who took something of mine recently, something dear, that is now destroyed and so it will never be returned.

So how is it that I find myself yearning for something that is not mine, that belongs to someone else? Why do I feel that I am somehow entitled to take it simply because I want it?

My brain wouldn't shut off. I felt like I'd go crazy if I didn't get it.

When I thought about the "advice" my friends would give me I had the response of a 5 year old..."but I WANT it!" "It's not fair, I should have that!" "I want it NOW!"

And then the bargaining set in..."If I can have this one I will never ask for anything else again!" "Please God, just this once." "Let me have this one and I'll feed the homeless on Thanksgiving for the rest of my life."

Maybe, I reasoned, it could also be good for someone else.

What if what I wanted would benefit someone? Would it make wanting it more noble? What about the father who loses his job and can't pay for the medicine for his sick child? Does taking the medicine without paying for it make it less honorable?

Yet what I wanted, I had to admit, would only benefit me. It would complete some sense of deep longing within me and satisfy a hunger I suddenly realized I had.

If I want something for my own pleasure, my own satisfaction does that then diminish the "want" to selfishness and lessen the need-quotient so I am less deserving of it?
I needed some time to think about this.

I just asked my son to define integrity. He replied that it is when you choose to do something because it's the right thing to do. He's 9. Life is still simple. I said, "but what if you really want something? And no one would see you take it. Would you?"
And he asked, "Do I NEED it?"

So I ask myself, this thing I want so badly, Do I Need It? To survive?

No, I suppose not, not to survive.

As time passed I started to notice myself sliding over to the other side of the fence. Who am I to feel entitled to something that doesn't belong to me? Was I really willing to take it? It might feel good for a short time, but the weight of doing that would be more than I wanted to carry in the long run. I would rather live with integrity. If I took it, no one would know.
But I would. And eventually the owner would. And God would.

I have been wanting to become a person of excellence. (It would be easier if people of excellence wouldn't be tempted so much!). People of excellence don't park in handicapped spots even if they are just going to "run in" and they don't call in sick when they are not and they don't tell their children to "just tell them I'm not home" when they don't want to talk on the phone. People of excellence live with integrity. They keep their commitments and do the right thing whether anyone is watching or not.

Everyday our integrity is tested.

If you lie about the little things before long you'll lie about the bigger things.

Just look at the corporate execs who are falling from grace, having stolen millions of dollars. Most likely, they compromised something smaller earlier and when the opportunity presented itself, they compromised millions. Theft is theft. And you usually start out small.

The bible says if we are faithful with the little things God will entrust us with more.

When you go the extra mile, keep your word, tell the truth, dedicate yourself to doing your best, you go past living a mediocre life. You become a target for blessing. God blesses excellence. Integrity is good karma.

If you want to be average, do as little as possible. If you want to excel, live with integrity.

No, it's not easy. That's why many will opt to take what they want because they want it, no matter who it belongs to and who it will hurt.

When you are self-driven, you feel quenched by what you take.

I realized, as thirsty as I was, I would not take it. I would chose to go without.

And the farther I got from the thought of what I was wanting, the better I began to feel about myself. The longing began to slowly dissipate and I replaced that wanting-feeling with gratitude, thanking God for what I already had.

When I think about it, it would still be nice to have it, but I don't want it with the intensity of yesterday. I won't die without it.
I hope the owner appreciates it's value half as much as I believe I would. But regardless, it will stay where it is.

And I'll go to the gym!